<the debates: I couldn't speak in>

             

       debate#1

  

I know not the date but this was something I wrote in hopes of receiving warm concluding claps and appreciation: none of  it happened. So, this is reverse travelling of my trials and failures in the debate competitions. Debate#1 happened circa 2016, when confidence had just picked up on me. The problem with me at that point of time was, I just couldn't face the crowd! I could be wonderful orator, curator and what not but for few, the moment I was put in the light of crowd; camera; etcetera, my throat would choke, I could only stam..stamm...stammer!!! Embarrassments for the teachers and mentors was always the outcome. I never could understand that why I would always underperform when and where I was expected to outdo myself. Amusing fact about me is that, this particular write-up was written for a gig in which i had never enrolled for. I had privately orated the write-up to my mentor and she just said: "you could have won if you had participated this time!"

This was my case with words: it failed me in oration while in the write-up it made me at least be readable, legibility of hand-written material is still a question. 

  

      debate#2

   

Profanity that day decided to outdo my past maneuvers and degrade me more in all performing fronts. The D-day was a bane. I was scheduled for a 'for and against ' video recording session. This was the day, even my mentors would have thought, "tumse na ho payega!!", quite literally.

Four years have past but the reminiscence of the dark day still gives me goosebumps. The shame. The disappointment. The 'ye duniya me itna dukh kahe hai.." wali feeling. All emerges just as still as it was back then.

Now when I think of it and reason my performance all I can trace is the undertones of insecure existence guided and ruled by overwhelming fear of being judged. You see I could perform well in the exams, the departmental presentations & representations. It was only when I was made to do the same in the unknown environment that I start to fumble.

The fear has still not left: it survives now in my lows and when in glooms.

                        

      debate#3

  

Excerpts of the practice session:

me: "Many drops make a shower... when every individual in a group is working honestly."

ma'am: "hmm.."

me: "... Medha Patekar's mind.."

ma'am: " beta  tumhe kya karna hai Medha Patekar ke mind se.. just omit it!"

me: " okay ma'am."

ma'am: " ..continue"

me: " ... a chain as strong as its weakest link... Abraham Lincoln's saying,

when i do good i feel good..."

ma'am: " beta apka topic kya hai?"

*awkward silence, our eyes meet and then..

me: "uhm.. ma'am it's 'Role of group in protecting environment'..."

ma'am: " beta the content that you were oozing seems like ki aap individual effort par bol rahe ho.."

me: silent and embarassed

ma'am: " do one thing I'm changing your topic prepare for ' Individual effort is futile in environmental conservation"

me: "okaaayy ma'am"

This particular piece which is  visible to you was titled after the embarrassing session. So this was the climax of my constant embarrassment and fumbles. This debate went quite well, I ended up wining the competition.

Reason for my success: it was a closed group competition. Everybody there was known and heard of well in advance. 

My friend, pals and (for some time) my mentors : together they all were rejoiced in my fame and were for the first time satisfied with my performance.

This was a not so well time lined chronicle of my briefs with the debating failures. I was too shallow back then. Caught in a loop of , ' what they...how they'. In a constant line of being judged to falling prey to prejudices. This only limited my experiences and inhibited my growth. The self needed some assurance of security, of being accepted and being understood. The reality on the contrary had trials to offer which often perturbed my beliefs.

Then I would confide myself in the words of Rainer Maria Rilke who had said,

"Let everything  happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final."